IT HARDLY MATTERS Back to Main Index Browse the Archives	Wednesday, March 29, 2006 ( 08:10 PM ) From the Onion: Two Hipsters Angrily Call Each Other 'Hipster' AUSTIN, TX - An argument between local hipsters Dan Walters and Brian Guterman has devolved to the point where each is angrily calling the other "hipster," those close to the pair reported Monday. "Hey, hipster! Here's 12 bucks - why don't you go get yourself a bucket of PBRs at the Gold Mine?" Walters, 22, is said to have told Guterman, 22, invoking the name of a local bar known for its "poseur" clientele. "Whatever you say, scenester," Guterman allegedly replied. "Don't you have a Death Cab For Cutie show to be at right now?" Acquaintances of Guterman and Walters trace the long-running conflict back to high school, when they reportedly threw pencils at each other and argued about who was more "emo." Tuesday, March 28, 2006 ( 02:46 PM ) I found this somewhere on MySpace, and I feel it is both undeniably fascinating and disturbing at the same time. Friday, March 24, 2006 ( 11:26 AM ) Well, these past few weeks have been quite devastating for major characters on some of my favorite shows. I'm not one to complain about the grittiness of modern television and its willingness to sacrifice much-loved characters in order to make stories more dramatic, but this has all been a bit much... Edgar, 24 Lynn, 24 Tony, 24 Lem, The Shield Chef, South Park The one high point, however, was the elimination of Kevin Covais from American Idol (okay, I'm not that torn up about Lynn, either). The bad joke went on long enough, and America finally came to its senses and rid us of his uselessness. Tuesday, March 21, 2006 ( 03:56 PM ) For those of you who noticed my absence from updates last week, it was not due to laziness, but rather the fact that it was spring break. And spring break in Austin means South by Southwest. And by South by Southwest I mean the annual Austin Bad Haircuts and Bad Outfits Music Snob Convention. Not to say that all attendees had bad hair or bad clothes, just a distracting 10% that made me want to throw up when I looked at them, mainly for their bad judgement. As is becoming a tradition, Sandra flew out for the week and crashed at our place. I only went to day parties since buying a wristband is wholly uneconomical and I also didn't want to shell out $15+ per night show to see 45-minute sets by one or two bands I really cared about. Here's how things played out: Wednesday: We saw What Made Milwaukee Famous, Sound Team (blah), Zykos, and the Ponys at Emo's. Went to see Rainer Maria at Red 7 but some other band played instead. Lame. Thursday: Field Music and the end of Jason Collett's set at Emo's. Ditched Sandra at Emo's and went to see Otis Gibbs and Milton Mapes at Jovita's. I'd been wanting to see Milton Mapes for over a year, which is pretty pathetic since they are a local band and play around here all the frickin' time. Nonetheless, it was the best set I went to during all of SXSW. I LOVE MILTON MAPES YESSSS. Friday: Dropped Sandra off downtown and went back home. Wasn't in the mood for seeing music. Went out that night for St. Patrick's Day, though. Beer!!! Saturday: All day at Red Eyed Fly. Who was there? Shearwater. Laura Veirs. Great Lake Swimmers. Best set of the day, though, was easily Dr. Dog. Who's that? Beats me. Never heard of them until last week. Sandra wanted to see them because the night before she heard some dude tell another dude that the mp3 Dr. Dog had posted on the SXSW website for last year's festival was the best song of all the bands on there. Seriously. The guy said that. Well, we were glad we stayed because their show was totally fun. And afterwards I was taking a leak and -- I swear this happened -- one dude waiting in line told another dude waiting in line that the mp3 Dr. Dog posted on the SXSW website last year was the best one of any song!! Weird. That guy needs to come up with something better than that line. Sadly, Sandra was unable to top her crazy adventures from last year at SXSW (can you say, "Eating pizza with Damon Albarn in his hotel room with Danger Mouse"?) but she was able to have some interesting stories to tell. Sandra also got me the first season of the X-Files as a present. My goal is to watch seasons 1-7 in order, with about 1 episode per day. Should take me through the end of the year. I'll keep y'all posted on my progress. Peace out. ( 09:28 AM ) Nice. 'South Park's' Chef back -- but not Hayes New season will launch with 'Return of Chef' Tuesday, March 21, 2006; Posted: 9:53 a.m. EST (14:53 GMT) LOS ANGELES, California (Reuters) -- Soul singer Isaac Hayes may have quit his job as the voice of Chef on "South Park" after a disagreement over religion, but his character will live on when the satiric cable TV cartoon returns to Comedy Central this week, the network said Monday. ...But a network synopsis said the fictional town of South Park, Colorado, is "jolted out of a case of the doldrums when Chef suddenly reappears," leading to new antics by the group of foul-mouthed fourth graders who are the show's stars. "While Stan, Kyle, Kenny and Cartman are thrilled to have their old friend back, they notice that something about Chef seems different. When Chef's strange behavior starts getting him in trouble, the boys pull out all the stops to save him," the network said. Sunday, March 19, 2006 ( 05:33 PM ) According to his IMDB entry, Ron Livingston will be reprising his role of Peter Gibbons...on next Monday's episode of 24??? (screen grab) Tuesday, March 14, 2006 ( 11:44 PM ) The best part about this is that the video is labeled "enterance." You really should try to find the actually video of this, though. It's quite amusing. ( 12:34 AM ) When was the last time Chef was even in an episode? Soul singer Isaac Hayes quits 'South Park' Monday, March 13, 2006; Posted: 9:07 p.m. EST (02:07 GMT) LOS ANGELES, California (Reuters) -- Soul singer Isaac Hayes said Monday he was quitting his job as the voice of the lusty character "Chef" on the satiric cable TV cartoon "South Park," citing the show's "inappropriate ridicule" of religion. But series co-creator Matt Stone said the veteran recording artist was upset the show had recently lampooned the Church of Scientology, of which Hayes is an outspoken follower. "In ten years and over 150 episodes of 'South Park,' Isaac never had a problem with the show making fun of Christians, Muslim, Mormons or Jews," Stone said in a statement issued by the Comedy Central network. "He got a sudden case of religious sensitivity when it was his religion featured on the show." He added: "Of course we will release Isaac from his contract, and we wish him well." In a statement explaining his departure from the show, Hayes, 63, did not mention last fall's episode poking fun at Scientology and some of its celebrity adherents, including actor Tom Cruise. Rather, Hayes said the show's parody of religion in general was part of what he saw as a "growing insensitivity toward personal spiritual beliefs" in the media, including the recent controversy over cartoons depicting the Prophet Mohammad. "There is a place in this world for satire, but there is a time when satire ends and intolerance and bigotry toward religious beliefs ... begins," Hayes said. The crudely animated cartoon, heading into its 10th season next week as one of Comedy Central's biggest hits, centers on the antics of four foul-mouthed fourth graders in the town of South Park, Colorado. Outlandish religious satire has been a mainstay of the show since its debut on the Viacom Inc.-owned network in 1997. The series grew out of two short films by Stone and collaborator Trey Parker -- "Jesus vs. Frosty" and "The Spirit of Christmas," the latter featuring a martial-arts duel between Jesus and Santa Claus over the true meaning of Christmas. Hayes, the first black composer to win an Oscar for best song with his theme to the 1971 film "Shaft," gained renewed fame on "South Park" as the voice of Jerome "Chef" McElroy, the school cafeteria cook whom the boys often seek out for advice. In an episode last fall, one of the gang, Stan, scores so high on a Scientology test that church followers think he is the next L. Ron Hubbard, the late science-fiction writer who founded the religion. Hayes did not take part in that episode. In an interview with Reuters late last year, Hayes talked about a foundation he formed to bring Scientology-based study techniques to disadvantaged inner-city schools, in partnership with fellow devotee Lisa Marie Presley. "But it's not religious," he said then, describing himself as Baptist by birth and Scientology as "an applied religious philosophy." Comedy Central spokesman Tony Fox said producers have not decided whether Chef would be dropped from the show or continued with another actor supplying his voice. Monday, March 13, 2006 ( 12:30 AM ) Dead man spends days unnoticed on highway Thu Mar 9, 10:17 AM ET VANCOUVER, British Columbia (Reuters) - An elderly man spent at least three days in his vehicle on the side of a busy Canadian highway before anyone - including police who checked the car's license plate - realized he was dead. A passing motorist discovered the man's body after deciding to check the vintage-model car on the Trans-Canada Highway near Abbotsford, British Columbia, on Sunday to see if it was for sale. The car's license number was checked by passing police on Friday and Saturday to make sure it was not stolen, but the officers apparently did not stop to inspect it because it was not impeding traffic. Officials believe the 75-year-old man became ill and pulled off to the side of highway, which is used by hundreds of Vancouver-area motorists each day. They say he then probably slumped down in his seat and died. "A lot of people drove past that vehicle. It's just unfortunate that it took the circumstances that it did to find the gentleman," said Constable Steve Hiscoe of the Royal Canadian Mounted Police. The man's dog was also in the vehicle, but survived the ordeal unharmed. ---------------------------------- Aussie driver gets stuck in reverse Mon Mar 13, 01:12 AM ET SYDNEY (Reuters) - Police charged an Australian driver with "reversing further than necessary" after he travelled backwards for more than 40 km along one of the country's busiest highways. Police said the man was stopped on the Hume Highway, which runs between the cities of Sydney and Melbourne, at Benalla, about 200 km northeast of Melbourne. Police said the man told them reverse was the only gear in the car that worked and that he was travelling home to the small regional town of Numurkah, a further 90 km away. He was also charged with unlicensed driving and driving an unregistered car and will appear in court later this year. Sunday, March 12, 2006 ( 11:01 PM ) I just watched Dick Wolf's new show Conviction. It's all about young, hip lawyers who like to have lots of sex and are facing the emotional ups and downs of life in the law world. Way too much emphasis on the overly dramatic and emotional touchy-feely feminine stuff. I mean, that's what they're going for on this show -- focusing on the personal lives of the lawyers -- but that doesn't make it any less boring. Should've called it Law & Order: Ally McBeal if you ask me. The pluses and the minuses of L&O:AM: PLUS! J. August Richards is on it. I will always and forever be a fan of anyone who was on Angel. MINUS! J. August Richard's character is a dork and a loser. Pretty much he's the token black person on the cast. He played a much better lawyer when he got a super-powered brain zap on -- you got it -- Angel. PLUS! Muthafucken Elias Koteas. Easily the best actor to appear in the pilot of L&O:AM, his character was sadly subpoenaed to Heaven thirty minutes into the episode. Personally, I think he would have made an excellent Deputy District Attorney Jim Steele (the lawyer with a porn star's name), as Muthafucken Elias Koteas has a wonderful ability to portray both hardassness as well as vulnerability. But there's no way the audience would ever buy into the plotline that has Steele banging ADA Rossi if Koteas had the part. PLUS! I am a fan of any TV pilot that features the murder of an important character. MINUS! As noted above, they killed off the best actor of the bunch. MINUS! Eric Balfour is funny-looking. MINUS! All of a sudden, Alexandra Cabot is out of Witness Protection and back working in the District Attorney's office. As a Law & Order: SVU fan, I feel unspeakably ripped off by this. Last time we heard from her, DEA Agent Walter Skinner was telling the SVU squad that Alex returned to Witness Protection and it was really sad. Now she's back and they don't mention it at all. Anywhere. Honestly, it would've made for great television to have her return with tremendous fanfare on SVU or something. That's why they have Sweeps, Dick Wolf!! Saturday, March 11, 2006 ( 08:19 AM ) From the Onion: Five Percent Of U.S. Workers Are Illegal Aliens A recent study shows that 5 percent of all workers in the U.S. are illegal immigrants. What do you think? "I yearn for the day when 100 percent of all workers are illegal immigrants and we as a nation can devote all our time to bitching about them." - Ian Connelly, Electrician "Five percent seems like a lot, but when you consider that they’re responsible for 100 percent of the work that actually gets done, the problem is much worse." - Ben Schwartz, Bail Bondsman "Ha! You should check out the factory I own! It's gotta be like 30 percent, maybe 35 percent!" - Heather Mitchell, Garment Manufacturer Friday, March 10, 2006 ( 04:29 PM ) For crying out loud, this is already one of those shows that people are drawing conclusions about even though no one's actually seen it. Or, better yet, judging it based on only ONE episode!! Crap like that really pisses me off. When will people ever grow up? After reading this article, my strongest reaction to it was: Holy shit, Harry Dean Stanton's STILL ALIVE?? When all's said and done, though, it really just comes down to the fact that IT'S A TV SHOW! TV SHOWS ARE FAKE, REMEMBER? Please -- present me with one show that actually resembles real life! I mean, besides Bosom Buddies. Polygamy show causing stir in Utah Friday, March 10, 2006; Posted: 12:49 p.m. EST (17:49 GMT) SALT LAKE CITY, Utah (AP) -- The upcoming premiere of HBO's "Big Love" is causing a big buzz in the Beehive State. Everyone from practicing polygamists to the Mormon church -- which shunned the practice more than a century ago -- are anxiously anticipating the fallout from the show about a Utah polygamist and his three sometimes desperate housewives. Some worry that the series will perpetuate stereotypes from which the state and the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints have long sought to distance themselves. Others fear it will diminish the crimes, such as child abuse, reported in some of the state's secretive polygamous sects. And polygamists say they're sure the series won't accurately portray the "boring" reality of their lives. The program debuts 10 p.m. EST Sunday after the season premiere of "The Sopranos," which spawned bus tours of the show's locations in New Jersey and backlash from some Italian-American groups. (Watch approval -- and denunciation -- of "Big Love" -- 2:00) Public perceptions are a concern of the LDS church, which claims 12 million members worldwide. In 1843, church founder Joseph Smith said he had a revelation from God allowing the practice of plural marriage. In 1890, a subsequent church president, Wilford Woodruff, made public a revelation declaring that church members should stop practicing polygamy. The federal government had required the Utah territory end its endorsement of polygamy as a condition of statehood. Utah became a state in 1896. Polygamy isn't an issue for modern-day Mormons, said church spokesman Michael Otterson, adding that members understand why polygamy is no longer practiced. What concerns the church is anything that might make light of the abuse of women and children alleged to occur in some polygamist communities. "To make polygamy, given those circumstances, the subject of television entertainment is not only a bad idea, but it's going to add to the pain of those victims," Otterson said. He's also worried that the church could lose some of the ground it has gained in educating the public about the differences between the mainstream church and splinter fundamentalist groups that practice polygamy. "This, I think, is going to undo some of that. Because you only have to mention Salt Lake City and polygamy and Mormons in the same breath and people will start to get those old stereotypes again," he said. Otterson said HBO has "gone out of their way to call journalists who got it wrong." But an epilogue statement, which is scheduled to air after the first episode, is inadequate, he said. The statement says: "According to a joint report issued by the Utah and Arizona attorney general's offices, July 2005, 'approximately 20,000 to 40,000 or more people currently practice polygamy in the United States.' The Mormon church officially banned the practice of polygamy in 1890." HBO has said they feel the epilogue will help clear up any confusion and the show's creators say their program will reinforce the difference. "We want to make it abundantly clear that our characters are not Mormon, that they wouldn't find any home in the Mormon church. And that works for the dramatic pull of the show," co-creator Mark V. Olsen told The Associated Press. Olsen also said the show's depiction of a rural polygamist sect addresses the issue of child abuse. "There is no way we want to whitewash the abuses. That's very important to us. Stick with us in our story lines. This is a concern that we are responsive to," he said. The "Big Love" lead character Bill Henrickson (played by Bill Paxton) runs a home improvement store in Salt Lake City and is just opening another. Besides the struggles of his expanding business, Henrickson faces the challenges of life with three women (Ginnifer Goodwin, Chloe Sevigny and Jeanne Tripplehorn) and seven children, and the nefarious "prophet" (Harry Dean Stanton) from a rural sect in fictional Juniper Creek who wants his share of Henrickson's success. (Read about "Big Love.") Vicky Prunty, director of the anti-polygamy group Tapestry Against Polygamy, said she's happy the show is addressing the abuse issue, but, based on script she's read, it doesn't go far enough. "The abuse is not in just the isolated areas," she said. "(Polygamy) deals with power and control. Those individuals feel coerced into it, even if it's a subtle coercion, a religious coercion." Prunty said even though the church tries to separate itself from the polygamy issue, the majority of practicing polygamists, including her ex-husband with whom she was in a multiple marriage, trace their beliefs to Mormon doctrine. Prunty's group has asked the Mormon church to get more involved in the issue. Otterson said the role of the church is not to involve itself in allegations of criminal behavior. "All we can do is raise our moral voice," he said. "The church will always be reluctant to step into an area that is the preserve of government." Anne Wilde, the community relations director for the pro-polygamy group Principal Voices, said she's worried too. "I don't want it to represent our culture in a bad way," she said. Wilde was in a plural marriage for more than 33 years, until her husband died about three years ago. She doubts the realities of most modern-day polygamists would interest TV viewers. "I would like people to realize it's very similar to a monogamous family," Wilde said. Thursday, March 9, 2006 ( 12:15 AM ) From News of the Weird: After Seattle police chased a carjacking suspect into a tree in February, bystanders gathered around and laughed, but the suspect, still defiant, yelled at them, "It's not funny!" (However, according to a KIRO-TV reporter, some in the crowd yelled back, "Yes it is!") Wednesday, March 8, 2006 ( 04:53 PM ) So everybody's favorite portly CTU analyst Edgar Stiles opened a secure socket to the off-site network known as Heaven on Monday's episode of 24. Unlike a good number of deaths on the show, his death was totally unexpected and quite dramatic. Once again, however, Mary-Lynn Rajskub steals the show with one of the finest pieces of acting in the last scene. The expression on her face was just heartbreaking. The other finest pieces of acting, of course, being when she snaps, "I'm kinda busy right now, okay?" I was half-expecting Edgar's death scene to pay homage to Wrath of Khan, you know with the glass doors separating the dying friend and the living friend. Chloe puts her hand to the glass, and Edgar puts his hand against hers, and then she tells him they can't open the door or it will let all the nerve gas in, and he says with his last breath: "The good of the many outweighs the good of the few...or the one." Edgar Stiles Day 4, 7:00 AM - Day 5, 6:59 PM Well, Louis Lombardi, it'll be sad not seeing you every week. But we'll always have the Usual Suspects and your classic line "Do you know who the fuck I am? DO YOU KNOW WHO THE FUCK I AM???" Monday, March 6, 2006 ( 03:06 PM ) Drew and Natalie have finally combined forces to bring the world to its knees with the FUNNIEST. SHIT. EVER. Saturday, March 4, 2006 ( 11:44 PM ) It's official, friends. I am a piece of mancake. Thursday, March 2, 2006 ( 12:59 AM ) A few thoughts on MonsterPod: 1) I wonder how long it will take for Marvel to have that logo decommissioned 2) I will never, ever, ever buy anything from a website with typos on it 3) The best use for the MonsterPod advertised on the site is "MonsterPod goes to bed!" with a picture of a camera pointed straight at the bed!! Only one thing that's good for taking pictures of, people!! 4) IT'S NOT EVEN A TRIPOD, STOP CALLING IT ONE