IT HARDLY MATTERS Back to Main Index Browse the Archives	Thursday, March 25, 2004 ( 11:03 PM ) Satan gave me a taco and it made me really sick the chicken was all raw and the grease was mighty thick the rice was all rancid and the beans were so hard I was getting kinda dizzy eatin' all the lard there was aphids on the lettuce and I ate every one and after I was done the salsa melted off my tongue pieces of tortilla got stuck in my throat and the stains on my clothes burned a hole through my coat my stomach was a'tremblin' and I broke out in a rash I was so dry and thirsty and I didn't have no cash so I went and found a hose tore off all my clothes turned on the water and it shot right up my nose some old lady came along and she thought I was a freak so she beat me with her handbag 'til I could hardly speak I was lying there naked my body badly bruised in a pool of my own blood unconscious and confused well the cops came and got me and threw me in their van and I woke up on the ceiling and I couldn't find my hand they took me to the judge his eyes a'glowin' red the courtroom was filled with witches and the dead well the sheriff was a hell-hound with fangs and claws the prisoners were tied up and chained to the walls the air was getting thick the smoke was getting thicker the judge read the verdict said "Cut off his head!" well they placed me on the altar and they raised up the axe my head was about to explode when I noticed the Marshall stacks I noticed all the smoke machines cameras and the lights some guy with a microphone runnin' around dancin' in tights and I noticed the crew and the band playin' down below and I realized I was in a rock video... ------ So I went and joined the band and I went out on tour and I smoked a lot of heroin and I passed out in manure I made out with the groupies started fires backstage made a lot of money and I gave it all away well the band got killed so I started a solo career and I won all the awards and I drank all the beer and I opened up the taco stand just to smell the smell cookin' with the devil fryin' down in hell - Beck. Friday, March 19, 2004 ( 01:26 PM ) I swear, Robin is the best part of the Howard Stern show. Read here. ( 10:34 AM ) My favorite swear word is... Thursday, March 18, 2004 ( 09:06 PM ) Celebrity Sighting of the Day: John Travolta outside of Freedom Guitar on Sunset. They were filming something. And they shut down a lane of traffic. Jerks. Friday, March 12, 2004 ( 12:54 PM ) I got into grad school at UT Austin! Hurray! Soon I will be able to say "Don't mess with Texas" with pride. Monday, March 8, 2004 ( 10:58 PM ) Celebrity Sighting of the Day: Peter Gallagher strolling along Rosecrans Ave. in Manhattan Beach. ( 10:11 AM ) Summer has finally arrived in Los Angeles. It's about time! Wednesday, March 3, 2004 ( 09:06 PM ) Are you up for the challenge? Take my Quiz on QuizYourFriends.com! ( 08:13 PM ) There was absolutely no traffic on my way home tonight, so I was able to set a new rush hour record for getting home. It was fucking AWESOME. Tuesday, March 2, 2004 ( 10:51 PM ) When I was little, I got an Emperor action figure from some special mail order deal. I was totally stoked about the thing. I remember I took it with me to the local public library and that I left it behind. My mother drove me back to the library and lo and behold, someone had turned it into the lost and found! My faith in humanity had been restored. The real lesson I took from all of this, though? I will NEVER let my children bring their toys with them to public places.